New Friends

If you guys don’t know I used to live in an area where people didn’t exactly treat me well, even people who considered themselves my friends weren’t kind to me. I recently moved right outside a large city. For a while I shut myself off from the outside world. I kind of was a hermit, as my best friend put it. He pushed me to go out and I began to hang out with people and talk to the people I met online. I realized that the friends I had were not even friends. The people I met were so kind and sweet and caring. They worry about my anxiety that tends to control my emotions. One of them talked to me about their anxiety. It was really nice and for once I felt loved by some one in person, of course I love my internet friends, but I can’t hug them. I will keep you updated on my friends.


The Benefits of having adult friends.

So as some or all of you know, I’m 16, and my best friend is a 36 year old man. But that’s not the only adult friend I have. I have quite a few adult friends. They come in handy because they’re your friends, not your parents. What I mean by that is, you can tell them things you wouldn’t tell your parents and they’ll give you advice that someone the age of your parents would give. So you have the wiseness of a parent but the comfort and safety of a friend. Here’s a list of things you can talk about with your adult friend.

1.) Why your parents do certain things.

As a teenager, I often don’t really get why my parents do certain things. So talking to my adult friends who are also parents, it can help me get a clearer view of what they’re going through.

2.) Sex

Being a teenager you start to discover things about yourself, and you start thinking about dirty things and want to do dirty things. Some people like myself aren’t super close with their parents. So talking to your parents about sex and protection is something that isn’t really possible. Talking to your adult friends you can get a realistic basic knowledge on protection.

3.) sexuality

If you’re like me it took you a while to come out to your parents if you’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community. It was really helpful talking to my friends who were parents and were adults about my sexuality and to help me feel it out. For a while I was confused about how I was feeling and I found I was bisexual.

That’s just some of what you can talk to your adult friends about. I hope this helped. Of course I mean adult friends you can trust, I don’t talking to adult friends about personal things until I’ve known them for a while.

Sending fan fiction to my idles.

I have written a lot of fan fiction, too many to count. I have written over 100 stories. Some have been removed because of other fellow fan girls accused me of invading the privacy of the people I write about. Well, Recently I got an instagram account specifically for my fangirling nature and posted fanfiction links on it. I didn’t stop there.I sent the fanfiction links to the people they’re about. So I sent Jacoby Shaddix fan fiction to Jacoby. I sent Anthony Esperance Fan Fiction to Anthony, so on and so forth. And some of them actually respond.

Why I disappeared…

Sorry I disappeared on you guys. I didn’t mean to. I just felt a little, sad. I didn’t feel like doing my blogs anymore but I am planning on writing for them again. You’ll get a lot of juicy tales and you will get to experience more of my awkwardness. So be ready to get hit hard by awkwardness.

Why PE Requirements are Bull

Hey guys, I’m going to be talking about the one of the classes I hated with a passion… PE aka Physical Education. I absolutely hated this class, I was a girl who enjoyed drawing and gaming, running and having my boobs bounce around was not something I enjoyed, and even with a sports bra they bounced so don’t say “You should have worn a sports bra.” This isn’t about why I hate this class, but this is about why what they “teach” Is a load of bull. In PE you have to participate in a various sports and physical activities. I don’t have an issue with the running, push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, and so on. I have an issue with the fact they force kids to play sports that some people hate. I don’t give a crap about basket ball, knowing the specifics on how it works won’t help me in the future, I don’t care about volley ball or dodge ball or kick ball, that is what’s bull. I have never once played any of those sports outside of when the school forced me to play them for a grade. Those sports don’t help me. I was talking to a person online and I mentioned that they should teach self defense. Self defense could actually help kids in the future, unlike making them play sports they have no interest in, or at least let kids pick what sports they actually want to learn and don’t force them to do something they hate.

Why I love JUBILEE

Everyone knows I love Jubilee, ever since I saw her in X-Men animated series I loved everything about her. I think I liked her so much because how much she was like me, she was an outcast and she was sort of younger than her surrounding people. She loved video games and had a love for soda and junk food. So I felt close to her in that regard. I also loved her style through out the comic books. She always had a skater/ alternative, style about her that I just couldn’t get over. She was seriously the coolest X-Man, seconded by Rogue. I also realized that she and Rogue were my first female crushes (I’m bi). Jubilee also had a closeness with gambit who is another character that I liked. I also admired how willing Jubilee was to help, she just wanted to help her team when they needed her.

Self Hatred from the Inside

When you look at someone who says they’re ugly, that there is nothing beautiful about them, don’t always assume they’re fishing for compliments, some people who you think are beautiful truly do believe that. For me, I spent a lot of my life hating who I saw in the mirror, even now there are days where I look in the mirror and hate the girl I see and my friends tell me how beautiful I am. Being a public face (having a youtube channel, running several blogs, being on social media…) I get a lot of hate based on my look. Saying don’t let it get to you doesn’t help, because it already has… In public school I was getting torn apart for how I looked, I had shoulder length, ratty blonde hair, I dressed like a boy because I was so uncomfortable with having a feminine physique, and I never wore make up. All my life I’ve basically been told “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH” by the other kids. In turn I believed it. If so many people thought I was ugly, thought I wasn’t pretty enough, then I mustn’t be pretty enough. In middle school it was so much worse, I had depression and dealt with it by eating food and that caused me to get slightly overweight making me hate myself even more. Friends and Family told me that I was beautiful. The thing is, just like how people want insults to bounce back and you believe you’re beautiful, it goes the other way too, I hated myself so much, when people said I was beautiful, it went in one ear and out the other. My grandma didn’t help, she was telling me that I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t subscribe want to be a frilly preppy girly girl. Even when I hated myself I didn’t want that for myself. Eventually I was taken out of that toxic environment but still I hated myself. I didn’t start going out of my way to look pretty to me until one day I showed up to karate and saw a hot guy, then I started wearing dresses and clothes I actually thought I looked good in, I wore make up, I did my hair in a cute way. I began to notice, I was slowly getting happier with how I looked, I began to try different hair styles and different make up styles, I began to customize my clothes and the more I did to look like my idles the happier I got… That’s what self hatred is from the inside though. I hope you think about this when you’re trying to help your depressed friends.

Feeling Trapped

I feel slightly trapped at home. I wouldn’t even call this place a home. I’m just trapped in this apartment, with nothing that makes me feel at home, this apartment feels like it’s just for show. It makes me depressed, I haven’t been sleeping as much and that’s just the start. I want to make music but I’ve just been so out of it, my youtube channel is suffering too. I feel like not doing anything, I’ve been watching too much netflix and my friend tries to motivate me to do work, but in the end I just can’t I feel no creative energy from my surroundings. In my room I had posters of people I idolized, I had my drawings pinned up to the walls and now everything caters towards my parents taste and nothing really fits me. If you don’t know I am a punk, I like chains, I have blue hair and I love rock bands. I love band shirts and I love painting and drawing on the walls. I don’t have that freedom to design my surroundings the way I like my surroundings. So that’s been making me feel very tense and trapped. My best friend helps though. Do you know how I feel?

Why I like Photography and Film

I like photography because it allows me to capture a single moment where everything is near perfect. A single moment that captures all the emotions of a person or multiple people. The same is with film, recording something emotion, like say meeting an internet friend, recording that can capture all the emotions through the whole process, when recording you also get the voices and the passion of someone’s voice, but outside of reality, in music videos, it can tell a story, a story of pain, a story of getting better than what you thought you were, it could just be angry,it could just be sad. photography captures emotions and feelings that memories can’t remember or accurately recall what happens and there is an image that just triggers something in you. I don’t know if that’s just me but that’s what I feel about it

My Want to Travel

If you guys didn’t know yet, I have a friend who lives 1200 miles away. After a few months on knowing him, I realized I wanted to meet him more than anything. i began to fantasize about it. The fantasies about traveling expanded to just leaving the city. I also noticed that leaving my old apartment and moving into the city aligned with wanting to leave. I think wanting to visit my friend and my sudden interest in photography and film made me want to take photos of everything that sparks my interest. I also think that leaving the place I grew up sort of sparked something in me that made me want to just keep running as far as I can. I also think that feeling trapped makes me want to leave. It’s partially my fault I feel trapped. I rarely leave the house if I’m not told to go out, but I feel trapped because it seems that I don’t really matter to anyone but my best friend. It’s not like my parents don’t get why I dye my hair and wear ripped and customized clothes and why I want to work at Hot Topics, and like the music I like, I got all that from them, my mom plans on dying her hair this summer while she’s off work. But it just seems like I don’t belong so I want to run to places I feel safe, which is places I’m alone generally. So that’s why I have a love for travel.