Self Hatred from the Inside

When you look at someone who says they’re ugly, that there is nothing beautiful about them, don’t always assume they’re fishing for compliments, some people who you think are beautiful truly do believe that. For me, I spent a lot of my life hating who I saw in the mirror, even now there are days where I look in the mirror and hate the girl I see and my friends tell me how beautiful I am. Being a public face (having a youtube channel, running several blogs, being on social media…) I get a lot of hate based on my look. Saying don’t let it get to you doesn’t help, because it already has… In public school I was getting torn apart for how I looked, I had shoulder length, ratty blonde hair, I dressed like a boy because I was so uncomfortable with having a feminine physique, and I never wore make up. All my life I’ve basically been told “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH” by the other kids. In turn I believed it. If so many people thought I was ugly, thought I wasn’t pretty enough, then I mustn’t be pretty enough. In middle school it was so much worse, I had depression and dealt with it by eating food and that caused me to get slightly overweight making me hate myself even more. Friends and Family told me that I was beautiful. The thing is, just like how people want insults to bounce back and you believe you’re beautiful, it goes the other way too, I hated myself so much, when people said I was beautiful, it went in one ear and out the other. My grandma didn’t help, she was telling me that I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t subscribe want to be a frilly preppy girly girl. Even when I hated myself I didn’t want that for myself. Eventually I was taken out of that toxic environment but still I hated myself. I didn’t start going out of my way to look pretty to me until one day I showed up to karate and saw a hot guy, then I started wearing dresses and clothes I actually thought I looked good in, I wore make up, I did my hair in a cute way. I began to notice, I was slowly getting happier with how I looked, I began to try different hair styles and different make up styles, I began to customize my clothes and the more I did to look like my idles the happier I got… That’s what self hatred is from the inside though. I hope you think about this when you’re trying to help your depressed friends.

Feeling Trapped

I feel slightly trapped at home. I wouldn’t even call this place a home. I’m just trapped in this apartment, with nothing that makes me feel at home, this apartment feels like it’s just for show. It makes me depressed, I haven’t been sleeping as much and that’s just the start. I want to make music but I’ve just been so out of it, my youtube channel is suffering too. I feel like not doing anything, I’ve been watching too much netflix and my friend tries to motivate me to do work, but in the end I just can’t I feel no creative energy from my surroundings. In my room I had posters of people I idolized, I had my drawings pinned up to the walls and now everything caters towards my parents taste and nothing really fits me. If you don’t know I am a punk, I like chains, I have blue hair and I love rock bands. I love band shirts and I love painting and drawing on the walls. I don’t have that freedom to design my surroundings the way I like my surroundings. So that’s been making me feel very tense and trapped. My best friend helps though. Do you know how I feel?

Why I like Photography and Film

I like photography because it allows me to capture a single moment where everything is near perfect. A single moment that captures all the emotions of a person or multiple people. The same is with film, recording something emotion, like say meeting an internet friend, recording that can capture all the emotions through the whole process, when recording you also get the voices and the passion of someone’s voice, but outside of reality, in music videos, it can tell a story, a story of pain, a story of getting better than what you thought you were, it could just be angry,it could just be sad. photography captures emotions and feelings that memories can’t remember or accurately recall what happens and there is an image that just triggers something in you. I don’t know if that’s just me but that’s what I feel about it

My Want to Travel

If you guys didn’t know yet, I have a friend who lives 1200 miles away. After a few months on knowing him, I realized I wanted to meet him more than anything. i began to fantasize about it. The fantasies about traveling expanded to just leaving the city. I also noticed that leaving my old apartment and moving into the city aligned with wanting to leave. I think wanting to visit my friend and my sudden interest in photography and film made me want to take photos of everything that sparks my interest. I also think that leaving the place I grew up sort of sparked something in me that made me want to just keep running as far as I can. I also think that feeling trapped makes me want to leave. It’s partially my fault I feel trapped. I rarely leave the house if I’m not told to go out, but I feel trapped because it seems that I don’t really matter to anyone but my best friend. It’s not like my parents don’t get why I dye my hair and wear ripped and customized clothes and why I want to work at Hot Topics, and like the music I like, I got all that from them, my mom plans on dying her hair this summer while she’s off work. But it just seems like I don’t belong so I want to run to places I feel safe, which is places I’m alone generally. So that’s why I have a love for travel.

Being Obsessed with your best friend

I am obsessed with my best friend, it’s probably unhealthy, but hey, I never said I bared healthy habits, if my parents weren’t watching my diet it would consist of soy buffalo nuggets and Cherry Coke. I’m terrible at healthy stuff, I am trying to get better though. Anyways, I am obsessed with my best friend and I have a feeling he knows it. I try to find any way to mention him in my youtube videos, in my blog posts, to other friends, and even to my parents which I am rather surprised are completely chill about their 16 year old daughter’s best friend being in his mid thirties, but I’m not complaining because I’m the 16 year old with the friend in his mid thirties, and I SEE NO ISSUE WITH IT! I think all my friends are sick of hearing about how great my friend is. The thing is, it’s not just talking about him. I go out of my way to do things for him like shout out his bands, and right now I am planning an elaborate present for his birthday. Some of my friends and my parents think I am in love with him, and my parents even tease me about being such close friends with him. That’s all I am going to share about this, are any of you obsessed with your best friends?

Wanting to do too Much

I want to do too much. I have so many passions I want to do, and to be honest it’s too much. I want to do do audio production, do photography, write music, run 3 blogs, write a bunch of different fan fictions, run a youtube channel, I think about starting an online bakery, and soon I’ll have a job. It’s a lot to be honest, because I don’t know what to do really. I have so many passions, I don’t know really what to pursue, what to make a full time thing, I love everything I want to do. I am so mixed up with what I should do and what I REALLY want to do I end up not doing anything. It begins to build up and it’s especially hard because my parents want me to go to college, I want to major in audio production but I also want to make my mom happy and become a scholar. I’m getting told to do what I want but I don’t know what I want and I know that’s an issue. That’s all I wanted to say for today’s post, if you have any advice or if you have a similar story feel free to share in the comments.

My Coming out Story

Hey everyone, happy Easter, and if you don’t celebrate Easter I hope you have an at least okay day. Today my post is about when you come out as Bisexual. I came out publicly to my middle school in seventh grade, I heard a lot of great things about the school and I was the new kid. It wasn’t at all how people make it sound when you come out. People say you get accept and that no one cares, the things is, people do care. Other girls began to ask me if I like this girl and that girl or this girl, or even if I liked everyone. I began to feel like I didn’t belong in the girl’s locker room because if I stay too long they’ll think I’m just trying to get off on seeing other girls change. Plus people made fun of me for it. They called me names like fag and lesbo. It was a terrible idea for me to come out, I was 13 and I was just being honest with people. The people who didn’t care were nice to me, I couldn’t really tell my parents why they were calling me a fag and calling me a lesbo because I wasn’t out of the closet to them yet, I’m still not out to my dad. I just had to sit and take it, I couldn’t play offense because I would get blamed for it and even if I played defense I would still be blamed for it, it’s how my school was, and people didn’t care until I left. People still give me crap online for being bisexual, if my dad knew I was bi I would never be able to have a friend without him accusing me of dating them or liking them, my mom knows and she’s supportive of it and most of my internet friends are apart of the community. There’s a verse in a song called Spectrum that goes… “You can’t think ‘say it, they’ll accept it’, Some people kick you down just because you’re different” People did kick me down because I didn’t care about gender identity, I just cared about the personality. Just when coming out, be careful, not everyone will accept you and if you come out in the wrong place, your life will be in danger.

My Hell (part 2 of 2)

Hey, if you don’t know I am doing a two part series called My hell talking about my experience with being bullied, if you want to know the actual story go to part one. This about when things began to look up for me.

After I was removed from school and my grandma moved away, things began to look up. I began to be in more control of how I looked, which had more of an effect on my self esteem than I thought. I’d be lying if I said the only things that was helping me get better was changing myself to look how I wanted… I was going to karate at the time and I also recently met a guy on the internet. The guy I met let’s call him Dan, I don’t know if he wants me to say his name in this blog, but he was really cool and positive and chill, and he had this look that I was in love with, if you don’t know me I am extremely into everything alternative, and this dude had dyed hair, piercings, tons of tattoos, and he just looked like the kind of person I wanted to get to know and be friends with. When I got to know him, he was really awesome, let’s just say he’s one of the few people I let in my head, he knows everything about me and my past, he knew I was unhappy with how I looked, and he knew at the time of meeting him I hated everything about myself. He really changed my life, he helped me see things in a different light and around that time I began to change my look to make myself feel better about myself. I began to wear a mixture of feminine outfits and tomboy out fits, I got hair cuts that I loved. Even in that time I had a lot of image issues, I still had a lot of “I’m not good enough…” Thoughts. My friend, Dan, was always there reminding me I was good enough. I began to believe him and I have been dying my hair for the past couple months I’ve been dying my hair and I like who I am now, all thanks to have ONE supportive friend. And trust me, I had quite a few episodes of depression and he stood by me through them, and he still stands by me when I lose faith in myself.

Fashion Apps

Hey, if you think I’m going to talk about what apps are best for what, you’re wrong, I am looking for fashion apps to post outfits on and get points for the outfits and eventually get rewards with those points. I know they exist I just don’t know the names, so please comment the names of those kind of apps please.

My Hell (Part 1 of 2)

This isn’t a religious post, don’t worry… This is a post about how much my life has changed and improved since I left public school, which was my hell for a very long time. I’ll start from the beginning, even when I was a little kid I was bullied heavily, in elementary school there used to be a game called “The Morgan Touch”. No one would talk to me or touch me, I only had one friend at it was an abusive friend too, if I said anything she didn’t like she would hit me and yell at me. Fast forward to middle school, I saw this as a chance to reinvent myself, finally be one of the cool kids, obviously it failed and I was labeled a freak there too. At the first middle school I was “Emo” I dyed my hair black, wore all black and wore skulls and stuff like that. Soon, the bullying got so bad I had to leave that middle school and go to a different one. I dyed my hair back to blonde and once more tried to make friends again, a few weeks into the school year I only had about 3 friends and I came out as Bisexual to the whole school, which I see now was a terrible idea.I got picked on for minor things at first, the way I dressed and the way my hair was cut. The next year really brought me down, I got my hair cut even shorter and I made a habit of wearing baggy clothes to downplay the fact I was a girl, at that time in my life I thought maybe I was transgender. People would call me things like Tranny, fag, emo, cutter, freak, goth, lesbo, whore, it really stung, and people from my previous middle school came to my new middle school. My grandma was always comparing me to other girls too, at that time my acne was way worse than it is now. I hated everything about myself. I resorted to stress eating, eating made me feel happy, my grandma never helped either, she always tried to get me to wear dresses and clothes I hated, to use 18 kinds of acne creams that the possible side effects are worse than the acne itself. She tried getting me to wear make up I hated. She was obsessed with making me a popular girl. So she helped add the self hatred. I began to gain a lot of weight and things kept getting worse, the bullying kept getting worse, my emotional state was just survive. I would try and fake being sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school, my grades suffered too. Finally my mom was sick of the pain I was facing and removed me from the school, I stopped eating as much and I began to lose a lot of the weight I gained, the things is, when you gain a lot of weight then lose it really fast you develop stretch marks making me hate my body anymore, making me hate myself even more than I already did. My grandma was still there pressuring me to be a girl I wasn’t I hated the girl I saw in the mirror, I hated seeing myself naked and the idea that maybe I felt so much hatred towards my body was because deep down I was a boy, my grandma kept saying how girls do this and that, and I didn’t feel comfortable with it, so if I didn’t like that I must not be a girl. For a long time I felt that hatred towards myself towards my body…

That’s all for this part, this is a two part story so stay tuned for part two. Please like and comment on this blog post and feel free to browse.